I want to shake him and scream! But I know it won't work. Tried that. I've bawled my eyes out and he is not moved by my pain, my gut wrenching heartache. The I'm-crying-so-hard-I-can't- even- make-a-noise that then moved to the wailing kind of crying. What kind of a person isn't moved by someone else's suffering, especially when they are also handing real forgiveness and another chance to be a family when no second chance should be offered in most people's eye. Who shrugs off a child's plea to live with them? Who freaking does that?!!!!!! I know many people who know us are reading this. I know others would not do what I'm doing. But I have always tried live a very transparent life. You ask, I'll tell. Unless I don't like you or I think you're crazy or I'm exhausted from explaining. But tonight, I let it rip. Not in a mean way, but just utter truth to him. I can't understand his thinking at all. And when he doesn't reply, that has ALWAYS MEANT AN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF TRUTH TO WHAT I'M SAYING. He respects when I stand up and say it out loud, but it breaks down right there. Total bat nuts crazy, I know. No one in his life is challenging him and speaking truth, at least that he'll listen to. And I believe its bull crap for me not to call him on it. I may be angry but I will stand up for our children, to fight to have their dad be a father. I love him enough, love his soul enough to not let the truth escape him. He can disregard it. That's his choice. But he'll never be ignorant of it.
The question lots of people ask me is what next? What do I want to do or see happen? Simply put... A miracle. Prayer is the ultimate power tool. So would you join me and the children and ask God to perform one for us. Restore our family. I cannot pray those other prayers I've prayed along this jagged road. I can't pray other alternatives. Yes, those are real but not my heart's desire. I want real redemption. If Jesus can be raised on the 3rd day and Lazarus on the 4th, I'm pretty sure this is a cake walk. Of course it begs the difficult questions...is it HIS will? Is hurt ever apart of His will? Well, the cross would indicate yes. But plenty of other scriptures show me that I have a voice. I can influence God and so can others with their persistent request. Have I arrived at 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18? "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" Um, NO. Not there. Do I thank God for the blessings and ways He's covered us? Yes. But this spirit is foreign to me, completely & utterly foreign. Thank God, though, for Grief Recovery...This is where I'll do a little plug...If you have experienced loss of any kind (death, divorce, loss of trust, safety, innocence), there are over 40 types of loss, then Grief Recovery is for you. We are not given the tools to grieve properly. In fact, we are taught misinformation by whomever brought us up because that's what they were taught. GR is helping me get complete with the emotional incompleteness. I've been given tools to deal with this situation. Next week is our final class. Its no magic pill, but I'm really banking on the completion part. Because this fighting someone who isn't fighting for us is well, nuts. And yes, I'm back to screaming. I want to scream.
Tomorrow morning, I'm meeting a new sweet friend of mine at Crossfit. Little scared I might go ape on the "tractor tire with a sledgehammer" exercise. But it's probably better than having a grown up tantrum somewhere else. Can't wait to beat the crap out of that tire.