Friday, June 7, 2013

Tonight, I sat on fb and went through tons of pictures, mostly Boston memories. Typically, it would pain my heart and leave me sobbing in tears but not tonight. I'm pretty sure that giant victory has to do with Grief Recovery. Having any emotional incompleteness will leave one raw, angry, easily triggered to tears, etc. But this past week, I finished our final assignment. Wasn't sure what I'd feel after and not convinced it would fix anything. Tonight, proved differently. While my heart does hurt, I was able to flip through pictures of our years in Beantown and see beauty. Don't get me wrong, there is plenty of soreness in my heart. I didn't want to take the kids to the park alone today. My parents called and said they were showing up with a picnic dinner and then it was off to Freddy's Frozen Custard. As I thanked my parents for their presence, tears welled up in my heart and eyes. Its those types of moments that will hurt going forward. The aloneness of it all.

My mom asked while we were looking at pictures, if this was difficult. I honestly said no. When you deal with your grief, no one or one thing can CAUSE you pain. You can actually be set free from traumatic events and even be able to recall and talk about places or people fondly, at the least the positive memories. But you have to be willing to talk about it. If there is some issue, some hurt you haven't resolved, it leaves you with life-limiting feelings or otherwise referred to as your ceiling of joy being greatly diminished. Deal with it, People! I'm glad I did and will continue to do so over the following months.

It is still incredibly sad. But man, we had a beautiful life in Boston. Such magnificent beauty and experiences. Such a rich journey. I am incredibly blessed for all the places we lived (minus our investment property. that was horrid. I could write a book about it). So blessed and enriched by all the friendships, opportunities, sights, communities and life we lived! Here are a few of my favorite. Maybe one day, I'll figure out how to add pictures and will post alongside this list...

Our urban but beautiful neighborhood, Jamaica Plain
The Jamaica Pond
Baby Boot Camp - LOVE all you awesome mamas & kiddos
Our Northshore Fam
Cheesecake Factory with Nana
Cheesecake Factory with BBC mama
Shoot, Cheesecake Factory for any reason at all. Why do I love that place so much?
The Tot Lot (I'll have to write about this soon!)
Friday night pizza and beer night with the neighbors
Coco the Chicken
Sean and Shannon
JP Licks
Bella Luna
DJ Gigs
Allison and the gang & mommy hang outs (you know who you are)
The Arboretum
Lantern festival
The smell of lilacs everywhere in JP
Downtown Boston
Eye 2 Eye gigs
Funny how, just months separate me from my time in Boston and I'm already forgetting things. Names of streets. Oh, it just came to me...Newbury Street. WOW! I am getting old. Or maybe that's just time or suppressed memories. So many wonderful afternoon strolls on that famous shopping strip . And can't forget Stephanie's lobster rolls. Best I've ever had!

 Anyways, I'm glad I am able to do this...going down memory lane. Being with my family in Austin was definitely the best choice, but it doesn't makes the time, memories, place and people any less special or close to my heart. I truly treasure each of you there and hold you tightly in memory. So many to name, so many who loved and supported me/us. What an honor to have met and spent time with you all. Marade, you come to mind. All those mommy chats we had in the tot lot! Gosh, you were a breath of fresh air!! Our little vent sessions were priceless to me. Acey...what can I say, Maggie is the best little thing ever. I'm sad we didn't get to watch the twins grow. Seth and Meg, y'all were awesome neighbors. Anne, Martin and Oonagh! Ah!! I don't even know where to begin...just the best ever. Yana and Joe & kids <3...Diane and Nanna, you are super stars in my book. And then my church family, Wyndham and Jeannie and their kids. The healing you worked so hard to help with, thank you. Hank and Julie, Reunion was a safe place for that healing to begin. Your sermons, the music and spiritual guiding was right on time. Carla and gang...words cannot express my gratitude. I love you all.

One day, I'd like to come back and maybe stay a while. That's my heart-wish.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Crossfit, you had me at thrusters

Seriously, Crossfit athletes are bad  mamajamas. And I so badly want to be one. Although, I'm pretty sure that's how God made me. Evidenced by one really rough day this past April. The following morning, my mom asked, "how are you still standing, honey?" From deep within, I felt this strength tighten around me and I replied, "Because mom, I'm a B.A.That's just how God made me." How the heck else does one make it through tough times? God-given strength. Its not me... I am so weak. That's why I've been up since 1am and its now 4:37am as I type this. Because my flesh fails at times. My mind won't shut off. I can't seem to find the answers probably staring me in the face.

Speaking of that...I'm positive I have body dysmorphia or the Crossfit trainer is a liar. I walked into my first class in over a year, met the trainer and filled out the waiver. As I was doing that he said, "clearly you do something, what's your weekly regimen?" I almost laughed in his face. Thank you, Mister Beast Man trainer. Best compliment ever! I dined out on that one all day. But, Um, are you talking to me? Yeah, I haven't worked out consistently since last June. This guy is nutzo. Or maybe I am. I will say, working out and teaching with Baby Boot Camp for 4&1/2 years was awesome sauce!!! Killer work out. I gained so much muscle. But I have never been a beast. I wish people could take pictures with their eyes and we could see them. Wouldn't it be amazing to see what they see? What perspective! Maybe we'd actually believe the good stuff about ourselves? And vice versa. We all need a sober estimate from time to time or nothing changes for the better. All I can see is jiggly under arms, belly chub to shave off and fat in the upper thigh quadrant.  But Crossfit is already doing what it does. My entire body hurts. In places I never knew I had muscle. Thrusters, you nasty sounding crazy exercise, I love you. But not as much as pull-ups with those thick giant sized rubber hand thingies.

By the way, it was a no-go on the sledge hammer and tire exercise. The other location had ganked their sledge hammers. Dirty trick, Universe, dirty trick :p