Tuesday, August 5, 2014


There are moments in the silence when you just can't wrap your head around what has happened. You almost forget what it use to be like and that actually begins to feel good because dissecting truth from fiction only makes the good parts feel like fraud. The parts you dreamed about, hoped for, wished for, prayed for then received and you couldn't even believe it was happening because it was just that good. All those happy parts. But then someone's question feels like a demand to know, to explain what happened because they've never walked this journey nor will they ever. Yet they have the nerve to ask to soothe their conscience. So hearing how painful it was makes another feel better about my decision? F that. That's right. I said it. People who have the huts-pah to ask, better have the balls to listen, 'cause it ain't pretty. And then they need to shut up and walk away and ponder before they ask their next question because what it communicates is that I'm stupid, I don't have the skills to maintain or keep it together. Well, no one can do that for two people. Those who say so, are lying to themselves. You can't control another. You can only do the very best you can muster. In this area, I strove to be and give my best. I had an ideal and pretty much every day, I lived it. I'm not saying I was perfect. It doesn't even matter in the end. You can't fix someone who is broken. No prayer, no deed, no love is enough to fill another's brokenness. I wish that weren't true. I tried for a very long time.