Writings...

No one chooses to leave, to end their marriage. No one chooses the heart ache for themselves or their children.

My heart wrestles, churns and stirs and burns inside my chest. I'm not perfect, no, not at all. But I gave myself 100%, without abandon.
Naively gave myself. That you cannot argue. You know its true. I gave myself, I gave myself to you.

What did you say? I heard your whisper. The wind carried it here. I know your truth but you won't say it.  You'll say I walked away. But the wind carried your truth. I wont be blown away. I'm still standing. Because of Him, I'm still standing. Because I'm made strong. I'm still standing.

Something strong inside is trying to come out. I don't know what but I'll see it through. I'll see it through and so will you. You'll say who's that woman now? I wish I had tried. But it'll be too late for that, I'll be too tough inside. No more lies from you.

No more lies, no more late nights. No more negotiations, no more fightls. Its just me now. Its no longer us. I never thought I'd see the day our love would die. Never thought that'd be us. 

Tonight, I sat on fb and went through tons of pictures, mostly Boston memories. Typically, it would pain my heart and leave me sobbing in tears but not tonight. I'm pretty sure that giant victory has to do with Grief Recovery. Having any emotional incompleteness will leave one raw, angry, easily triggered to tears, etc. But this past week, I finished our final assignment. Wasn't sure what I'd feel after and not convinced it would fix anything. Tonight, proved differently. While my heart does hurt, I was able to flip through pictures of our years in Beantown and see beauty. Don't get me wrong, there is plenty of soreness in my heart. I didn't want to take the kids to the park alone today. My parents called and said they were showing up with a picnic dinner and then it was off to Freddy's Frozen Custard. As I thanked my parents for their presence, tears welled up in my heart and eyes. Its those types of moments that will hurt going forward. The aloneness of it all.

My mom asked while we were looking at pictures, if this was difficult. I honestly said no. When you deal with your grief, no one or one thing can CAUSE you pain. You can actually be set free from traumatic events and even be able to recall and talk about places or people fondly, at the least the positive memories. But you have to be willing to talk about it. If there is some issue, some hurt you haven't resolved, it leaves you with life-limiting feelings or otherwise referred to as your ceiling of joy being greatly diminished. Deal with it, People! I'm glad I did and will continue to do so over the following months.

It is still incredibly sad. But man, we had a beautiful life in Boston. Such magnificent beauty and experiences. Such a rich journey. I am incredibly blessed for all the places we lived (minus our investment property. that was horrid. I could write a book about it). So blessed and enriched by all the friendships, opportunities, sights, communities and life we lived! Here are a few of my favorite. Maybe one day, I'll figure out how to add pictures and will post alongside this list...

Our urban but beautiful neighborhood, Jamaica Plain
The Jamaica Pond
Baby Boot Camp - LOVE all you awesome mamas & kiddos
Our Northshore Fam
Cheesecake Factory with Nana
Cheesecake Factory with BBC mama
Shoot, Cheesecake Factory for any reason at all. Why do I love that place so much?
Kindermusik
The Tot Lot (I'll have to write about this soon!)
Friday night pizza and beer night with the neighbors
Coco the Chicken
Sean and Shannon
JP Licks
Bella Luna
DJ Gigs
Allison and the gang & mommy hang outs (you know who you are)
The Arboretum
Lantern festival
The smell of lilacs everywhere in JP
Downtown Boston
Eye 2 Eye gigs
Tim&Grace
 
Funny how, just months separate me from my time in Boston and I'm already forgetting things. Names of streets. Oh, it just came to me...Newbury Street. WOW! I am getting old. Or maybe that's just time or suppressed memories. So many wonderful afternoon strolls on that famous shopping strip . And can't forget Stephanie's lobster rolls. Best I've ever had!

 Anyways, I'm glad I am able to do this...going down memory lane. Being with my family in Austin was definitely the best choice, but it doesn't makes the time, memories, place and people any less special or close to my heart. I truly treasure each of you there and hold you tightly in memory. So many to name, so many who loved and supported me/us. What an honor to have met and spent time with you all. Marade, you come to mind. All those mommy chats we had in the tot lot! Gosh, you were a breath of fresh air!! Our little vent sessions were priceless to me. Acey...what can I say, Maggie is the best little thing ever. I'm sad we didn't get to watch the twins grow. Seth and Meg, y'all were awesome neighbors. Anne, Martin and Oonagh! Ah!! I don't even know where to begin...just the best ever. Yana and Joe & kids <3...Diane and Nanna, you are super stars in my book. And then my church family, Wyndham and Jeannie and their kids. The healing you worked so hard to help with, thank you. Hank and Julie, Reunion was a safe place for that healing to begin. Your sermons, the music and spiritual guiding was right on time. Carla and gang...words cannot express my gratitude. I love you all.

One day, I'd like to come back and maybe stay a while. That's my heart-wish.

Crossfit, you had me at thrusters

Seriously, Crossfit athletes are bad  mamajamas. And I so badly want to be one. Although, I'm pretty sure that's how God made me. Evidenced by one really rough day this past April. The following morning, my mom asked, "how are you still standing, honey?" From deep within, I felt this strength tighten around me and I replied, "Because mom, I'm a B.A.That's just how God made me." How the heck else does one make it through tough times? God-given strength. Its not me... I am so weak. That's why I've been up since 1am and its now 4:37am as I type this. Because my flesh fails at times. My mind won't shut off. I can't seem to find the answers probably staring me in the face.

Speaking of that...I'm positive I have body dysmorphia or the Crossfit trainer is a liar. I walked into my first class in over a year, met the trainer and filled out the waiver. As I was doing that he said, "clearly you do something, what's your weekly regimen?" I almost laughed in his face. Thank you, Mister Beast Man trainer. Best compliment ever! I dined out on that one all day. But, Um, are you talking to me? Yeah, I haven't worked out consistently since last June. This guy is nutzo. Or maybe I am. I will say, working out and teaching with Baby Boot Camp for 4&1/2 years was awesome sauce!!! Killer work out. I gained so much muscle. But I have never been a beast. I wish people could take pictures with their eyes and we could see them. Wouldn't it be amazing to see what they see? What perspective! Maybe we'd actually believe the good stuff about ourselves? And vice versa. We all need a sober estimate from time to time or nothing changes for the better. All I can see is jiggly under arms, belly chub to shave off and fat in the upper thigh quadrant.  But Crossfit is already doing what it does. My entire body hurts. In places I never knew I had muscle. Thrusters, you nasty sounding crazy exercise, I love you. But not as much as pull-ups with those thick giant sized rubber hand thingies.

By the way, it was a no-go on the sledge hammer and tire exercise. The other location had ganked their sledge hammers. Dirty trick, Universe, dirty trick :p

Tractor tires

I want to shake him and scream! But I know it won't work. Tried that. I've bawled my eyes out and he is not moved by my pain, my gut wrenching heartache. The I'm-crying-so-hard-I-can't- even- make-a-noise that then moved to the wailing kind of crying. What kind of a person isn't moved by someone else's suffering, especially when they are also handing real forgiveness and another chance to be a family when no second chance should be offered in most people's eye. Who shrugs off a child's plea to live with them? Who freaking does that?!!!!!! I know many people who know us are reading this. I know others would not do what I'm doing. But I have always tried live a very transparent life. You ask, I'll tell. Unless I don't like you or I think you're crazy or I'm exhausted from explaining. But tonight, I let it rip. Not in a mean way, but just utter truth to him. I can't understand his thinking at all. And when he doesn't reply, that has ALWAYS MEANT AN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF TRUTH TO WHAT I'M SAYING. He respects when I stand up and say it out loud, but it breaks down right there. Total bat nuts crazy, I know. No one in his life is challenging him and speaking truth, at least that he'll listen to. And I believe its bull crap for me not to call him on it. I may be angry but I will stand up for our children, to fight to have their dad be a father. I love him enough, love his soul enough to not let the truth escape him. He can disregard it. That's his choice. But he'll never be ignorant of it.

The question lots of people ask me is what next? What do I want to do or see happen? Simply put... A miracle. Prayer is the ultimate power tool. So would you join me and the children and ask God to perform one for us. Restore our family. I cannot pray those other prayers I've prayed along this jagged road. I can't pray other alternatives. Yes, those are real but not my heart's desire. I want real redemption. If Jesus can be raised on the 3rd day and Lazarus on the 4th, I'm pretty sure this is a cake walk. Of course it begs the difficult questions...is it HIS will? Is hurt ever apart of His will? Well, the cross would indicate yes. But plenty of other scriptures show me that I have a voice. I can influence God and so can others with their persistent request. Have I arrived at 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18? "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" Um, NO. Not there. Do I thank God for the blessings and ways He's covered us? Yes. But this spirit is foreign to me, completely & utterly foreign. Thank God, though, for Grief Recovery...This is where I'll do a little plug...If you have experienced loss of any kind (death, divorce, loss of trust, safety, innocence), there are over 40 types of loss, then Grief Recovery is for you. We are not given the tools to grieve properly. In fact, we are taught misinformation by whomever brought us up because that's what they were taught. GR is helping me get complete with the emotional incompleteness. I've been given tools to deal with this situation. Next week is our final class. Its no magic pill, but I'm really banking on the completion part. Because this fighting someone who isn't fighting for us is well, nuts. And yes, I'm back to screaming. I want to scream.

Tomorrow morning, I'm meeting a new sweet friend of mine at Crossfit. Little scared I might go ape on the "tractor tire with a sledgehammer" exercise. But it's probably better than having a grown up tantrum somewhere else. Can't wait to beat the crap out of that tire.

A fist full of...

Its challenging...this very complex situation. Tonight, I find myself struggling with hatred. There was plenty of trepidation in writing this post because we're taught not to hate. And we shouldn't. But I wouldn't be human if I wasn't tempted. Then, there is the issue of putting matters on display. Journaling just isn't cutting it though. I. AM. ANGRY. Which translates to I'M HURT! And in all truth, there is nothing wrong with anger. We are called not to sin in our anger. That is the distinction. Seeing posts by my husband's new friends (his church friends) that are ignorant, doctrinally speaking, triggers that anger. I'm angry because they condone his behavior, which is simply unbiblical and hurtful to me and the children. Yet they uphold it like its the only way, their way I mean, to practice a walk with God. Its riddled with judgment. Isn't that anger, at times? Judgment. I need to feel what I'm feeling, but see the people and situation for what it is. Then chose to let go. God is the ultimate judge. (That's my belief). He says to leave vengeance to him. I'm pretty sure he'll do a better job at that than I could. Therein lies our deficiencies...I would withhold judgment from the hubs if better or different choices were made yet I so quickly and eagerly stand to condemn those party to his decisions. That doesn't make sense if I'm to follow the Judeo-Christian call to forgive. So, in all this, I have plenty to grow. Let me not be the first to throw a stone. Man, that's hard. I have a fist full of 'em.

Sing

I asked my mama if she has ever been so mad that she couldn't sleep or it made her feel sick. She said yes. What does she do when that happens? (I feel like my 5 year old as I ask these questions).  My sweet mama said, she's sings. It takes her mind off whatever it is. All I can think of are lyrics from songs such as, Lead Me by Sanctus Real, Just Give Me A Reason by Pink, Dance With Me by Orleans, Jar of Hearts by Christina Peri and Need You Now by Plumb. These lyrics are raw and describe how I feel. Some remind me of good times gone by, those happy days of us singing and dancing together at his dj gigs. At times we were the life of the party, showing everyone how to get out of themselves and have a good time. He drew me out of my insecure self. I was already an extrovert, but being married to him, helped my confidence and capacity to enjoy life.  One night in particular was just awesome. It was a wedding down in Truro. One of the best nights ever. But later that evening, it was clouded by deception and hurt.

Was it ALL a lie? Going without all the answers is one of life's greatest pains. A joke really, that we can know it all about another, have absolute confidence in our partner. Its something I've always wanted. Now I wonder if God isn't trying to get me to see that in Him. Children are so pure and can pick up on the simplest of concepts, can't they? My four year old boy said the other night, "Mama, you know who will never, ever, ever break my heart? God!" You are my right sweet child. I hold back and my heart hurts way too much at this second to grab ahold of that truth. I'm trying...

Lead Me by Sanctus Real
I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

"Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone"

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

"Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone"
 So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

 Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Just Give Me a Reason by Pink
Right from the start
You were a thief
You stole my heart
And I your willing victim
I let you see the parts of me
That weren't all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them

Now you've been talking in your sleep, oh, oh
Things you never say to me, oh, oh
Tell me that you've had enough
Of our love, our love

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

I'm sorry I don't understand
Where all of this is coming from
I thought that we were fine
(Oh, we had everything)
Your head is running wild again
My dear we still have everythin'
And it's all in your mind
(Yeah, but this is happenin')

You've been havin' real bad dreams, oh, oh
You used to lie so close to me, oh, oh
There's nothing more than empty sheets
Between our love, our love
Oh, our love, our love

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
I never stopped
You're still written in the scars on my heart
You're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

Oh, tear ducts and rust
I'll fix it for us
We're collecting dust
But our love's enough
You're holding it in
You're pouring a drink
No nothing is as bad as it seems
We'll come clean

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

Oh, we can learn to love again
Oh, we can learn to love again
Oh, oh, that we're not broken just bent 

Nothing more...

Why is it that it seems some of us go through heartbreak and others do not? I know everyone has their own struggle. But tonight, as I was creepin' through facebook, my heart started to hurt. All I have ever wanted was a mentally healthy loving husband, healthy kids and a house to call home. Life was some what on track and then it derailed. I am happy for my friends who enjoy these blessings. But tonight, my heart aches. It aches for the precious little boy who woke up an hour into his sleep and quickly sat up to tell me he misses daddy. Filled with questions as to why daddy isn't with us, he tried to lie back down.  I tried to calm his heart and answer him as honestly and reassuringly as I could. I reminded him of all the people that love him, including God. He said, "You know who will never ever ever break my heart? God." I pray that is always true. I know that it is, I know He keeps His promises. But the reality of our fleshy hearts is that it doesn't always feel true.

On days when I have moments like this, I keep a list of happy memories or good things that happened, hoping it will lift my spirits. Lately, that hasn't been working. I'm gonna give it a go here anyways.

Today...
I ran 3 miles and gave myself a boot camp
Created a fitness class flyer to pass out at my kids preschool and
Got up the courage to ask the teacher if I could put it in all the kids cubby to take home (she said yes)
Passed out 2 flyers to some moms
Took a nap
Took kids swimming
Made dinner ahead of time
Made Arbonne calls
Studied and took one of my many quizzes for my fitness instructor certificate
Took a shower
Husband said he'll put money in account for me to take out - yay! (Lets just say its been a while)
Poppa Bill had a bit of a scare but is ok - hurray!

Mommy Muscle

Ahhh! Its been quite some time since my last blog. Boy! Have things changed. My husband and I are separated and me and the kiddos are living with my parents in Texas. Yeah...not how I saw my life going. But here I am. Lots of other things I never envisioned but also wanted...I'll get to that.

First, I should be upfront when I tell you, my sweet one person audience of whomever stumbled upon this, that I'll be using this as therapy pretty much. Singing and writing are two of my favorite ways to deal with stress. So, here I am. As I navigate this process of limbo-hood in my life, I'll write about it. I've jotted down some serious country-tune lyrics already and passed them along to my friend Amy Black, who is a phenomenal singer ! Who knows if she'll use 'em but its some straight up sad stuff. That's good material for songs, right? I'm sure there will be lots of anger, salty tears spilled on the keyboard and just plan crazy feelings going on. So feel free to depart or listen in.

Tonight, I'm just ticked at whomever thought it was a good idea to release Windows 8??!! I'm a MAC girl, but don't have one that's currently works. So, I'm on my dads new Lenovo computer and this Windows 8 business is driving me crazy! It has a mind of its own. Since I started this post, it has changed screens on me, moved the cursor in other parts of this ramble and erased things. Grrrrrrrr.....

Whatever. I have enough frustration, so I'm moving on. And I'll write about that too.