Sunday, April 5, 2015

Grief by any other name...

"Do not grow weary in doing good, for the proper time you will reap a harvest." The Bible

It wasn't so much weary as it was anger. This sentence keeps rolling around in my mind tonight. We talk of the grief of physically loosing a loved one to death but are so very silent when it comes to divorce, separation, death of a familial bond. For many reasons, I understand. But to my point, at least for me, its like someone put a gag order on me.

We don't bring meals or send cards. We don't check in. Why? Because divorce is taboo, a no-no. Both people HAD to have failed. Someone didn't have enough faith or try hard enough. The flip-flop to that is sometimes that's life...a flip flop. No one goes into a marriage thinking about the day they draft their decree. No one wants that of course. But sometimes, out of safety, out of necessity, divorce or separation is the only choice. The right choice. It is a severing. A devastation. In our case, there was nothing I could do. No matter how hard I tried, prayed, negotiated, things didn't change. Do you know how hard that is? To watch someone take a torch to your life, to the heart of your children and then watching it play repeatedly day after day. Sure, time passes and the bleating of your broken heart grow farther and farther a part. But then, you're in the movie theater and a preview about the bond between a father and a son comes on and the tears pour forth as though you just received the news. "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there's been an accident. He didn't make it." You're left holding your world, which now feels enormously heavy and you have to figure out a way to make it. You have to figure out a way for the children's hearts to somehow remain in tact. Although, that is a farce. See, the damage has been done. Their world has been ripped apart. The hearts have been exposed to a reality they should have never known. Only with divorce or separation, they relive it I know there's a way out. But right now, I don't want to talk about it. I just want to talk about my grief.