Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Between the Lines

You and Me were to always be. We will, just not intact at the heart like I envisioned. Tomorrow, we go and pull apart at every vow. This. Breaks. My. Heart. But I am finally strong enough to see clearly. The loss is yours though. And one day you will be overcome with grief at what you missed and cannot get back. That is the biggest heartache to me.

***Thank you, Sara Bareilles, for putting feelings to words during the hardest time in my life. Your song, Brave, helped me find my voice. So many of your other songs expressed my heartache.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Grief by any other name...

"Do not grow weary in doing good, for the proper time you will reap a harvest." The Bible

It wasn't so much weary as it was anger. This sentence keeps rolling around in my mind tonight. We talk of the grief of physically loosing a loved one to death but are so very silent when it comes to divorce, separation, death of a familial bond. For many reasons, I understand. But to my point, at least for me, its like someone put a gag order on me.

We don't bring meals or send cards. We don't check in. Why? Because divorce is taboo, a no-no. Both people HAD to have failed. Someone didn't have enough faith or try hard enough. The flip-flop to that is sometimes that's life...a flip flop. No one goes into a marriage thinking about the day they draft their decree. No one wants that of course. But sometimes, out of safety, out of necessity, divorce or separation is the only choice. The right choice. It is a severing. A devastation. In our case, there was nothing I could do. No matter how hard I tried, prayed, negotiated, things didn't change. Do you know how hard that is? To watch someone take a torch to your life, to the heart of your children and then watching it play repeatedly day after day. Sure, time passes and the bleating of your broken heart grow farther and farther a part. But then, you're in the movie theater and a preview about the bond between a father and a son comes on and the tears pour forth as though you just received the news. "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there's been an accident. He didn't make it." You're left holding your world, which now feels enormously heavy and you have to figure out a way to make it. You have to figure out a way for the children's hearts to somehow remain in tact. Although, that is a farce. See, the damage has been done. Their world has been ripped apart. The hearts have been exposed to a reality they should have never known. Only with divorce or separation, they relive it every.day. I know there's a way out. But right now, I don't want to talk about it. I just want to talk about my grief.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014


There are moments in the silence when you just can't wrap your head around what has happened. You almost forget what it use to be like and that actually begins to feel good because dissecting truth from fiction only makes the good parts feel like fraud. The parts you dreamed about, hoped for, wished for, prayed for then received and you couldn't even believe it was happening because it was just that good. All those happy parts. But then someone's question feels like a demand to know, to explain what happened because they've never walked this journey nor will they ever. Yet they have the nerve to ask to soothe their conscience. So hearing how painful it was makes another feel better about my decision? F that. That's right. I said it. People who have the huts-pah to ask, better have the balls to listen, 'cause it ain't pretty. And then they need to shut up and walk away and ponder before they ask their next question because what it communicates is that I'm stupid, I don't have the skills to maintain or keep it together. Well, no one can do that for two people. Those who say so, are lying to themselves. You can't control another. You can only do the very best you can muster. In this area, I strove to be and give my best. I had an ideal and pretty much every day, I lived it. I'm not saying I was perfect. It doesn't even matter in the end. You can't fix someone who is broken. No prayer, no deed, no love is enough to fill another's brokenness. I wish that weren't true. I tried for a very long time.

Friday, July 26, 2013


No one chooses to leave, to end their marriage. No one chooses the heart ache for themselves or their children.

My heart wrestles, churns and stirs and burns inside my chest. I'm not perfect, no, not at all. But I gave myself 100%, without abandon.
Naively gave myself. That you cannot argue. You know its true. I gave myself, I gave myself to you.

What did you say? I heard your whisper. The wind carried it here. I know your truth but you won't say it.  You'll say I walked away. But the wind carried your truth. I wont be blown away. I'm still standing. Because of Him, I'm still standing. Because I'm made strong. I'm still standing.

Something strong inside is trying to come out. I don't know what but I'll see it through. I'll see it through and so will you. You'll say who's that woman now? I wish I had tried. But it'll be too late for that, I'll be too tough inside. No more lies from you.

No more lies, no more late nights. No more negotiations, no more fightls. Its just me now. Its no longer us. I never thought I'd see the day our love would die. Never thought that'd be us. 

Friday, June 7, 2013

Tonight, I sat on fb and went through tons of pictures, mostly Boston memories. Typically, it would pain my heart and leave me sobbing in tears but not tonight. I'm pretty sure that giant victory has to do with Grief Recovery. Having any emotional incompleteness will leave one raw, angry, easily triggered to tears, etc. But this past week, I finished our final assignment. Wasn't sure what I'd feel after and not convinced it would fix anything. Tonight, proved differently. While my heart does hurt, I was able to flip through pictures of our years in Beantown and see beauty. Don't get me wrong, there is plenty of soreness in my heart. I didn't want to take the kids to the park alone today. My parents called and said they were showing up with a picnic dinner and then it was off to Freddy's Frozen Custard. As I thanked my parents for their presence, tears welled up in my heart and eyes. Its those types of moments that will hurt going forward. The aloneness of it all.

My mom asked while we were looking at pictures, if this was difficult. I honestly said no. When you deal with your grief, no one or one thing can CAUSE you pain. You can actually be set free from traumatic events and even be able to recall and talk about places or people fondly, at the least the positive memories. But you have to be willing to talk about it. If there is some issue, some hurt you haven't resolved, it leaves you with life-limiting feelings or otherwise referred to as your ceiling of joy being greatly diminished. Deal with it, People! I'm glad I did and will continue to do so over the following months.

It is still incredibly sad. But man, we had a beautiful life in Boston. Such magnificent beauty and experiences. Such a rich journey. I am incredibly blessed for all the places we lived (minus our investment property. that was horrid. I could write a book about it). So blessed and enriched by all the friendships, opportunities, sights, communities and life we lived! Here are a few of my favorite. Maybe one day, I'll figure out how to add pictures and will post alongside this list...

Our urban but beautiful neighborhood, Jamaica Plain
The Jamaica Pond
Baby Boot Camp - LOVE all you awesome mamas & kiddos
Our Northshore Fam
Cheesecake Factory with Nana
Cheesecake Factory with BBC mama
Shoot, Cheesecake Factory for any reason at all. Why do I love that place so much?
The Tot Lot (I'll have to write about this soon!)
Friday night pizza and beer night with the neighbors
Coco the Chicken
Sean and Shannon
JP Licks
Bella Luna
DJ Gigs
Allison and the gang & mommy hang outs (you know who you are)
The Arboretum
Lantern festival
The smell of lilacs everywhere in JP
Downtown Boston
Eye 2 Eye gigs
Funny how, just months separate me from my time in Boston and I'm already forgetting things. Names of streets. Oh, it just came to me...Newbury Street. WOW! I am getting old. Or maybe that's just time or suppressed memories. So many wonderful afternoon strolls on that famous shopping strip . And can't forget Stephanie's lobster rolls. Best I've ever had!

 Anyways, I'm glad I am able to do this...going down memory lane. Being with my family in Austin was definitely the best choice, but it doesn't makes the time, memories, place and people any less special or close to my heart. I truly treasure each of you there and hold you tightly in memory. So many to name, so many who loved and supported me/us. What an honor to have met and spent time with you all. Marade, you come to mind. All those mommy chats we had in the tot lot! Gosh, you were a breath of fresh air!! Our little vent sessions were priceless to me. Acey...what can I say, Maggie is the best little thing ever. I'm sad we didn't get to watch the twins grow. Seth and Meg, y'all were awesome neighbors. Anne, Martin and Oonagh! Ah!! I don't even know where to begin...just the best ever. Yana and Joe & kids <3...Diane and Nanna, you are super stars in my book. And then my church family, Wyndham and Jeannie and their kids. The healing you worked so hard to help with, thank you. Hank and Julie, Reunion was a safe place for that healing to begin. Your sermons, the music and spiritual guiding was right on time. Carla and gang...words cannot express my gratitude. I love you all.

One day, I'd like to come back and maybe stay a while. That's my heart-wish.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Crossfit, you had me at thrusters

Seriously, Crossfit athletes are bad  mamajamas. And I so badly want to be one. Although, I'm pretty sure that's how God made me. Evidenced by one really rough day this past April. The following morning, my mom asked, "how are you still standing, honey?" From deep within, I felt this strength tighten around me and I replied, "Because mom, I'm a B.A.That's just how God made me." How the heck else does one make it through tough times? God-given strength. Its not me... I am so weak. That's why I've been up since 1am and its now 4:37am as I type this. Because my flesh fails at times. My mind won't shut off. I can't seem to find the answers probably staring me in the face.

Speaking of that...I'm positive I have body dysmorphia or the Crossfit trainer is a liar. I walked into my first class in over a year, met the trainer and filled out the waiver. As I was doing that he said, "clearly you do something, what's your weekly regimen?" I almost laughed in his face. Thank you, Mister Beast Man trainer. Best compliment ever! I dined out on that one all day. But, Um, are you talking to me? Yeah, I haven't worked out consistently since last June. This guy is nutzo. Or maybe I am. I will say, working out and teaching with Baby Boot Camp for 4&1/2 years was awesome sauce!!! Killer work out. I gained so much muscle. But I have never been a beast. I wish people could take pictures with their eyes and we could see them. Wouldn't it be amazing to see what they see? What perspective! Maybe we'd actually believe the good stuff about ourselves? And vice versa. We all need a sober estimate from time to time or nothing changes for the better. All I can see is jiggly under arms, belly chub to shave off and fat in the upper thigh quadrant.  But Crossfit is already doing what it does. My entire body hurts. In places I never knew I had muscle. Thrusters, you nasty sounding crazy exercise, I love you. But not as much as pull-ups with those thick giant sized rubber hand thingies.

By the way, it was a no-go on the sledge hammer and tire exercise. The other location had ganked their sledge hammers. Dirty trick, Universe, dirty trick :p

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Tractor tires

I want to shake him and scream! But I know it won't work. Tried that. I've bawled my eyes out and he is not moved by my pain, my gut wrenching heartache. The I'm-crying-so-hard-I-can't- even- make-a-noise that then moved to the wailing kind of crying. What kind of a person isn't moved by someone else's suffering, especially when they are also handing real forgiveness and another chance to be a family when no second chance should be offered in most people's eye. Who shrugs off a child's plea to live with them? Who freaking does that?!!!!!! I know many people who know us are reading this. I know others would not do what I'm doing. But I have always tried live a very transparent life. You ask, I'll tell. Unless I don't like you or I think you're crazy or I'm exhausted from explaining. But tonight, I let it rip. Not in a mean way, but just utter truth to him. I can't understand his thinking at all. And when he doesn't reply, that has ALWAYS MEANT AN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF TRUTH TO WHAT I'M SAYING. He respects when I stand up and say it out loud, but it breaks down right there. Total bat nuts crazy, I know. No one in his life is challenging him and speaking truth, at least that he'll listen to. And I believe its bull crap for me not to call him on it. I may be angry but I will stand up for our children, to fight to have their dad be a father. I love him enough, love his soul enough to not let the truth escape him. He can disregard it. That's his choice. But he'll never be ignorant of it.

The question lots of people ask me is what next? What do I want to do or see happen? Simply put... A miracle. Prayer is the ultimate power tool. So would you join me and the children and ask God to perform one for us. Restore our family. I cannot pray those other prayers I've prayed along this jagged road. I can't pray other alternatives. Yes, those are real but not my heart's desire. I want real redemption. If Jesus can be raised on the 3rd day and Lazarus on the 4th, I'm pretty sure this is a cake walk. Of course it begs the difficult questions...is it HIS will? Is hurt ever apart of His will? Well, the cross would indicate yes. But plenty of other scriptures show me that I have a voice. I can influence God and so can others with their persistent request. Have I arrived at 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18? "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" Um, NO. Not there. Do I thank God for the blessings and ways He's covered us? Yes. But this spirit is foreign to me, completely & utterly foreign. Thank God, though, for Grief Recovery...This is where I'll do a little plug...If you have experienced loss of any kind (death, divorce, loss of trust, safety, innocence), there are over 40 types of loss, then Grief Recovery is for you. We are not given the tools to grieve properly. In fact, we are taught misinformation by whomever brought us up because that's what they were taught. GR is helping me get complete with the emotional incompleteness. I've been given tools to deal with this situation. Next week is our final class. Its no magic pill, but I'm really banking on the completion part. Because this fighting someone who isn't fighting for us is well, nuts. And yes, I'm back to screaming. I want to scream.

Tomorrow morning, I'm meeting a new sweet friend of mine at Crossfit. Little scared I might go ape on the "tractor tire with a sledgehammer" exercise. But it's probably better than having a grown up tantrum somewhere else. Can't wait to beat the crap out of that tire.